Stupidity of Mankind (Humour)

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through  stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1. On a Sear's hairdryer:

"Do not use while sleeping."

[Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.]

2.On a bag of Fritos:

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."

[The shoplifter special?]

3. On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."

[And that would be how.....???]

4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:

"Serving suggestion: Defrost."

[But, it's "just" a suggestion.]

5. Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):

"Do not turn upside down."

[Well...duh, a bit late, huh?]

6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:

"Product will be hot after heating."

[... and you thought???]

7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:

"Do not iron clothes on body."

[But wouldn't this save me more time?]

8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:

"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]

9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:

"Warning: May cause drowsiness."

[And ...I'm taking this because???]

10. On most brands of Christmas lights:

"For indoor or outdoor use only."

[As opposed to... what?]

11. On a Japanese food processor:

"Not to be used for the other use."

[Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.]

12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:

"Warning: contains nuts."

[Talk about a news flash]

13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."

[Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?]

14. On a child's superman costume:

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

[I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.]

15. On a Swedish chainsaw:

"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

[Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?]

Things to do at school to make your schoolmates think you're Insane (Humour)

90 THINGS TO DO AT SCHOOL TO MAKE YOUR SCHOOLMATES THINK YOU'RE INSANE

1. Randomly get out of your seat and sit on the floor. 

2. When it is very quiet, raise your hand and insist it is too loud. 

3. If the person next to you is quiet, turn and inform them that they are distracting you. 

4. Give your teacher a note that uses improper English and misspelled words. Have the note insisting that you are `the most bestest’ in the class and demand to be moved up. 

5. During a test, tell the teachers `the voices’ are making you cheat 

6. Take out sock puppets and play with them, and occasionally have them grab your classmate’s hair. When the teacher looks, keep the sock on your hand and point to your classmate and tell the teacher that the classmate is attacking you with puppets 

7. If your teacher walks around the room during the test, cover your test and glare at them suspiciously. 

8. If your teacher walks around the room during a test, raise your hand and tell the teacher that they are cheating off you. 

9. When the teacher calls on you to answer a question, talk in a creepy voice and say `I’ll never tell’ and a few questions later raise your hand and ask why you haven’t been allowed to answer a question yet. 

10. Ask to go to the bathroom. Stay in your seat, and when asked if you are going, say `I just did’ 

11. Raise your hand and point to a person on the other side of the room. Insist that that person is cheating off you. 

12. Ask to go to the bathroom. Get up and walk into the wall. Furrow your brow, glare at the wall and walk into it again. Smile sheepishly and then walk out the door. 

13. Raise your hand and ask if you can be excused to skip class. 

14. Hold your head and groan, then tell your teacher that your multiple personalities are fighting. 

15. Stumble into class, slur your words and tell your teacher `I swear to drunk I’m not God ’ 

16. Bring handcuffs into class and wear a plastic fake police badge. Tell your teacher that he/she is under arrest. 

17. Walk into class with handcuffs on your wrist and say “Sorry for being late, I just broke out of prison.” (even if you aren’t late) 

18. Raise your hand and introduce everyone to your imaginary friend Bob. Then loudly whisper to Bob saying that you hate this class. 

19. Chew gum in class. If teacher says `I hope you brought enough for everybody’ take out packs of gum and start passing out gum.

20. Chew gum loudly and when cought by teacher, mummble that you don't HAVE any gum. then make it fall out of mouth and onto desk. then loudly scream "I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT GOT THERE I SWEAR!"

21. Cry out randomly that everyone is against you.

22. Tell your teacher you don’t need to do your homework because you’re skipping school tomorrow. 

23. Randomly laugh hysterically 

24. Wear tissues on your head 

25. Pass around a petition against petitions 

26. Hum `If your happy and you know it’ loudly then randomly start to cry 

27. Get up and get a tissue, then just stand and stare at the tissue. If asked what you are doing by the teacher, claim that you are having a staring contest with the tissue and you’re sure you are about to win. 

28. Poke the person sitting next to you repeatedly until they get angry, then blame it on your imaginary friend. 

29. Go into class, and then run to the window. Sadly proclaim that your imaginary friend just committed suicide. 

30. Invent an imaginary hamster. Ask everyone if they would like to hold him. 

31. In a creepy voice say to everyone `You will die in seven days’ Act like nothing had happened. 

32. Raise your hand and wave it around like you know the answer. Then ask the teacher why they called on you.

33. Laugh hysterically and proclaim `You shall all perish Perish I say ’ Act like nothing had happened. 

34. Ask to go to the bathroom. Get up, run into the wall and pretend to faint. Lay there until someone runs over to help you up, then walk out the door to go to the bathroom. 

35. 

Purposely drop your pen. Ask someone to pick it up, and when they do defensively say `That’s mine ’ 

36. Read with your textbook upside-down. 

37. Bring in a pillow and lie in the aisle and pretend to go to sleep. 

38. Walk down the aisle and pretend someone tripped you. Glare at that person for the rest of class. 

39. Get up to sharpen your pencil or find a tissue, then stand up there and look around. Then cry out `I’m lost ’ 

40. Carefully place the tissue box in a certain spot at the beginning of class. In class, scream or gasp and run over to the tissue box, acting like it was moved. Carefully fix it. 

41. Repeat. 

42. Ask if you can teach the class. 

43. Start a poker game. Try to get your teacher to join. 

44. Talk about your dream job as a janitor. 

45. Poke someone. 

46. Twice. 

47. Ask your teachers if they find sick pleasure in tormenting you. 

48. If a teacher isn’t already in the classroom, when they enter, inform them that they are late and should report to the principal. 

49. Put raisins over your teeth and grin widely at everyone you meet. 

50. Whenever the bell rings or an ambulance/police car passes, yell about the pigs coming to get you, and run out of the classroom. 

51.Start knitting yourself a scarf for the cold winter ahead.

52. Pretend you’re a tree. 

53. Inflate a beachball and throw it around the room. 

54. Churn some butter. 

55. Take your pants off and give them to the professor. 

56. Chew on your arm until someone notices. 

57. Change seats every three minutes.

58. Shave. 

59. Announce to the class that you are God and that you’re angry.

60. Roast marshmellows.

61. Take apart your desk.

62. Ask the person in front of you to marry you. 

63. Start laughing really hard and say, Oh, now I get it.

64. Give yourself a new identity. 

65. Dig an escape tunnel. 

66. Announce your candidacy for President.

67. If one of your friends is drinking something, in the middle of a drink start chanting glug glug glug 

68. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers. 

69. Wear socks on the outside of your shoes.

70. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out. 

71. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, Sorry, I really prefer it this way . 

72. When someone says Have a nice day , tell them you have other plans . 

73. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY .

74. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when you’re called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the cactus, as if you’re waiting for it to say something. After a few moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can’t believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...." 

75. superglue a bunch of 25thebes to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up.

76. if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.

77. stand in front of the class and pretend you are a flight attendent and review the emergency procedures and exits

78. reapeat yourself constantly

79. call everyone bob

80. reapeat yourself constantly

81. name your pen Mr pen talk to him often, cry and go mad if Mr pen commits suicide (falls off the table)

82. Have a funeral for Mr pen

83. reapeat yourself constantly

84. be insane and be proud of it

85. reapeat yourself constantly

86. Put a sign on your desk that says "Out of my mind be back soon" Then go to sleep. If your teacher wakes you up Scream CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN? then go back to sleep. 

87. reapeat yourself constantly (annoying aint it!)

88. (When you are taking a true false test) Whenever the answer is false stand up, grab your hair with both hands, and scream LIES ALL LIES, sit acting like nothing happend and repeat. 

89. Start having fights with yourself out loud over which one of your personalitys is better. Start to cry and say "I love you both why can't we all just get along" And if you are realy insane have your personalitys hug and make up. Then have all of your personalitys gather round to sing kumbya my lord! (I suggest you do this when it is really quiet in the room it scares more people)

90. Arrive late at school and tell the teacher that your car broke down due to your school bags being too heavy. Spend the rest of the day muttering of how you are going to sue the school.

Things to do at the KFC Drivethrough to make the attendant think you're Insane! (Humour)

35 THINGS TO DO AT THE KFC DRIVETHROUGH TO MAKE THE ATTENDANT THINK YOU'RE INSANE

1. Say "Amen" after you say your order.

2. Order a large cheese pizza.

3. Terminate the order by saying, "Remember, we never had this conversation." and then drive off.

4. Tell the attendant a rival fast food place is down the street and you're going with the lowest bidder.

5. When you take your order say "surprise me!"

6. Answer their questions with questions.

8. Sing your order.

9. Spell out your order.

10. Talk about your social life.

11. Tell the attendant you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

12. Change your accent every three seconds.

13. After ordering say "and once your done throw it out and do it again cuz you won't get it right the first time!"

14. Ask to rent a burger.

15. Ask if there is a warrantee on your meal.

16. Ask if you get to keep the bag. When they say "yes" start crying with happiness and call your whole family to tell them the big news.

17. Tell them to double-check to make sure your burger is, in fact, dead.

18. Order just one fry.

19. Order two different meals and then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

20. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

21. Take a picture of the person at the window.

22. Hand the person at the window a box of pizza and say, "that will be P57.95"

23. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

24. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

24. When you're given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

25. Bargain with the price.

26. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that burger.

27. Wear a detective suit and pass the person at the window a breifcase and then drive off.

28. Ask if the burger has had it's shots.

29. Don't say a word. Just stare.

30. Tell them you are a vegetarian trying to break the habit and then order a burger.

31. Ask for chicken nuggets without the chicken

32. Start playing peek-a-boo with the attendant then refer to then as mommy or daddy and say that its storytime and you don't wanna go to bed.

33. Talk like a robot and recruit the guy at the window to take over the world

34. When you get to the window, hit the order taker with a water balloon and just sit and stare at them

35. Order a double patty beef burger. When you get to the window, take your food, take a big bite out of it, spit it out then accuse the attendant of puttin too much meat in it then demand for a new burger with less meat. Repeat until the burger is meatless, then smile and drive away. LoL!

Things to do at home to make your parents think you're Insane! (Humour)

25 THINGS TO DO AT HOME TO MAKE YOUR PARENTS THINK YOUR INSANE!

1. Follow them around the house everywhere.

2. Moo when they say your name.

3. Run into walls.

4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.

5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say "good morning sunshine!"

6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"

7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a retard"

8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.

9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"

10. Do what they actually tell you... Literally!

11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.

12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.

13. At everything they say yell, Liar.

14. Try to swim in the floor.

15. Tap on their door all night.

16. Give yourself a swirly

17. Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling "The sun!!! It's dying!!!"

18. Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder

19. Run in circles

20. Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times

21. Pretend to beat yourself up

22. Pretend To have just Super glued your finger up your nose and scream at your parents heads for help

23. Lay face down and chant like an native Indian American tribe

24. When you shower or bathe yell, "I'm drowning!!!"

25. Switch the light button on & off for a while then say, "OHH! I get it!!!"

Things to do in The Movie House to make the other people think you're Insane! (Humour)

21 THINGS TO DO IN THE MOVIE HOUSE TO MAKE THE OTHER PEOPLE THINK YOU'RE INSANE!

1. Wear a top hat.

2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"

3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.

4. Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

5. Clap when the good guy gets killed.

6. Make a noise like your passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."

7. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some 'Juicy Fruit' for you asthma.

8. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"

9. Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

10. Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

11. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

12. Tell the person selling popcorn that the girls bathroom is flooding.

13. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.

14. Wear a cape and when it's your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman!Hahaha!" and run away.

15. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.

16. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friendalready is.

17. Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

18. Get there early so you can count the seats then spill water on all of them but your own!

19. Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

20. Yell outloud, "Stop molesting me!

21. Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Enjoy! ;)

Things to do in a Department Store to make the other shoppers think you're Insane! (Humour)

10 THINGS TO DO IN A DEPARTMENT STORE TO MAKE THE OTHER SHOPPERS THINK YOU'RE INSANE!!!

1. Stack 27 boxes of tampons in your arms (Each Of You) & put them in random guys carts, when they aren't looking of course!

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the bathrooms.

3. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

4. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other

shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

5. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

6. Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

7. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

8. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"

9. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume

the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

10. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and, then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

HAVE FUN!!! ^_^

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies (Humour)

10 AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. 

3. Avoid arguments with your partner about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink. 

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer. 

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. 

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough. 

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache. 

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape. 

9. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.  

10. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.  

Final Note before the end

 - If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

- Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 

- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends --> if they're okay, then it's you.

Have a nice day!!! ^_^ 

How to Bath a Cat (Humour)

Dear Cat Owner,

Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).

[CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.]

5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a 'powerwash and rinse' which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The DOG

Things To Do When You're Bored (Humour)

101 Things To Do When You're Bored

[By Margaret Nicholas Decena Alpajora]

1. Wax the ceiling

2. Sharpen your teeth

3. Braid your dog's hair

4. Clean and polish your belly button

5. Water your dog... see if he grows

6. Wash a tree

7. Knight yourself

8. Give your cat a Mohawk

9. Purr

10. Vacuum your lawn

11. Boil ice cream

12. Run around in squares

13. Have your pillow X-rayed

14. Drink straight shots... of water

15. Calmly have a nervous breakdown

16. Exorcise a ghost

17. Exercise a ghost

18. Plant a shoe

19. Sweat

20. Dial 911 and breathe heavily

21. Find a witch

22. Burn her

23. Be blue

24. Be red

25. But don't be orange

26. Be a square root

27. Ask stupid questions

28. Intimidate a piece of chalk

29. Bend a brick

30. Annoy total strangers

31. Believe in Santa Claus

32. Adopt strange mannerisms

33. Pour milk in your shoes

34. Count your belly button

35. Hold your breath

36. Faint

37. Use an eraser until it goes away

38. Swear in Russian

39. Disassemble your car

40. Put it together inside out

41. Interview your feet

42. Rake your carpet

43. Read Homer in the original Greek

44. Learn Greek

45. Change your mind

46. Change it back

47. Design a better toilet seat

48. Build a pyramid

49. Stand on your head

50. Stand on someone else's head

51. Shoot a fire hydrant

52. Apologize to it

53. Pretend you're blind

54. Annoy yourself

55. Get mad at yourself

56. Stop speaking to yourself

57. Translate Shakespeare into English

58. Cheer up a potato

59. Do aerobic exercises... in your head

60. Wear a lampshade on your head

61. Memorize the dictionary

62. Find a bug and chase it

63. Squish a loaf of bread

64. Moo

65. Outmaneuver your shadow

66. Eat everything

67. Buy the Brooklyn Bridge

68. Mail it to a friend

69. Kick a cabbage

70. Sandpaper a mushroom

71. Tie your shoelaces together

72. Run for Pope

73. Think shallow thoughts

74. Take a picture

75. Put it back

76. Sharpen a carrot

77. Put out a fire

78. If you can't find a fire, make one

79. Interview a cloud

80. Throw a tomato into a fan

81. Throw a fan into a tomato

82. Have a headache

83. Scratch

84. Sniff

85. Hatch an egg

86. Baby oil the floor

87. Attack innocent bunnies

88. Declare war

89. Recite romantic poetry... to your toaster

90. Carry a tune

91. Drop it... See if it breaks

92. Sell firewood door to door... in Atlantis

93. Go to a drive-in movie in a tank

94. Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway

95. Bronze your sister's turtle

96. See how long it takes for her to notice

97. See what she does when she notices

98. Bronze your sister

99. Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people

100. Read a list of things to do when you're bored.

101. Write a list of things to do when you're bored.